Lara Croft and Wonder Woman on roller skates! Enough cleavage and blood references to match late night Cinemax! Adolescent fantasies were in full bloom around the flat track on Sunday night as the Texas Rollergirls mixed things up for an exhibition bout benefiting five worthy charities.

Team allegiances were set aside as members of the usual four rollerderby teams were jumbled into two super-teams, the Kandy Apple Killaz and the Fantastic Fives. The match pitted teammates against teammates and made bedfellows of enemies. But Rollergirls are nothing if not competitive, and they didn’t need much coaxing to unleash the pent up aggression born from their ten-week layoff since last season’s incredible championship bout.

The Kandy Apple Killaz donned red and white and entered the track to horror-flick music that was only missing the Vincent Price voiceover. The Fantastic Fives flew in with a superhero theme and were so clearly ready for a smackdown that you could only hope they were skating for good and not evil.

Catastrophe, skating as Lara Croft Tomb Raider, began racking up points for the Fantastic Fives from the first jam. Trouble and Barbarella skated like longtime teammates in matching capes, even containing Buckshot Betsy, something no one was able to do all last season. Rice Rocket got in on the fun, striking a superhero pose when she broke out of the pack and then looking back at her vanquished foes with a taunting mouth-guard smile.

Soon, the Kandy Apple Killaz had had enough and began to fight back. Devil Grrrl and Sedonya Face threw some huge blocks and generally roughed up the pack. Skating past the benches, Lucille Brawl and Lady Stardust got tangled up and started swinging, kicking off one of the larger melees in recent rollerderby memory. Teammates on both sides jumped in as though they were flying off the third rope, old school WWF style. Melicious, skating as “The Bowler” threw her bowling ball into the pile and had it taken away by the referees as they peeled girls off each other.

This scrum kicked off a string of brawls and penalties that lasted all night. Speedy Marie was kicked out of the jam for grabbing the luscious leg of Catastrophe and pulling the rest of her to the deck. The two usually skate as teammates, which made the aggression even more shocking to fans of the Hot Rod Honeys. Perhaps, it was just frustration, as Catastrophe and her Fantastic Fives had opened up a 43-16 lead by the end of the first period.

During the intermission, a costume contest included a youngster dressed as a kissing booth, causing hundreds of grown-up fans of the rollergirls to ask, “Why didn’t I think of that?”

The Fantastic Fives assault on the Killerz continued into the second period, and they skated like 10’s. Highlights included the Powder Puff girls skating in perfect formation, an impenetrable wall of puff. The second period ended with a bang as Sparkle Plenty was victimized by a takedown and got in a tremendous scrap that ended with Catastrophe throwing her helmet and getting kicked out of the game.

After two periods the score was 67-28 in favor of the Fives.

What the bout lacked in drama, it made up in blood thirst. Fight night at Playland continued to the final horn, sometimes with two or three unrelated brawls breaking out simultaneously. Captain T Bag, who won the award for most mentally scarring superhero, even got the crowd in on the pain by dipping her own tea bag onto two trackside fans. The final score was 89-48 in favor of the Fantastic Fives, but with bodies strewn across the track, rollerderby lived up to the night’s billing as a Skate Key Massacre.

FINAL SCORE: Fantastic Fives 89, Kandy Apple Killaz 48