Desert Rival Revival
December 2, 2006

By now you've probably heard the roller rink-shaking news: the Tucson Saddletramps triumphed over the Texas Rollergirls Texecutioners team at Playland Skate Center on December 2. To really understand the impact of that win, wave your hands in front of your face -- Wayne's World style -- and we'll all enjoy a flashback through Flat Track Derby history.

April, 2003: The Texas Rollergirls is the first league in the nation to commit to the new sport of Flat Track Derby.

December, 2003: Inspired by the Texas Rollergirls, Tucson Roller Derby is established.

November 7, 2004: The Tucson versus Austin tradition begins with the first-ever inter-state bout between the Tucson Saddletramps and a team known as the Texas Rollergirls Blue. The two teams go helmet-to-helmet at Bladeworld in Tucson, and the Texas Blue dominate. Final score: Texas 110, Tucson 70.

November 21, 2004: The Saddletramps roll into Austin to take on the Texas Rollergirls Red team at Playland Skate Center. Although the Saddletramps had definitely picked up a trick or two, Texas is again unstoppable. Final score: Texas 79, Tucson 38.

December 3, 2005: When the Texas Rollergirls All-Star Team challenges Tucson Saddletramps again on the Playland floor, it’s deja vu. Final score: Texas 81, Tucson 45.

While Tucson's skaters accepted each defeat with grace and a willingness to toss back beers with the Texas Rollergirls at the after-parties, they were also paying attention. And training. And burning with a desire to beat Texas at their own game.

February, 2006: Tucson hosts the Dust Devil Flat Track National Championship. After a full weekend of play, the Texas Rollergirls Texecutioners win the first place trophy. Final score: Texas 129, Tucson 96.

But all good dynasties must eventually be challenged and toppled (see: Aaron Spelling; Joan Collins; shoulder pads). And Saturday, December 2, 2006 was Tucson's day. Will it be the beginning of a new dynasty? We'll have to wait until the Dust Devil in February 2007 to find out. Until then, the Texas Rollergirls will be paying attention. Training hard. And burning with the desire to win back their bragging rights. Of course, Tucson will be doing the same.

Now, do that Wayne's World thing again and let's time travel back to the present, to the history-making game on Saturday, December 2.

When the Texas Rollergirls Texecutioners (in silver) and the Tucson Saddletramps (in black) lined up to start their annual grudge match, Tucson's #8 Sloppy Flo on the Range and Austin's #3e8 Rice Rocket were first at the jammer line. At the 30-second mark, Rice Rocket was named Lead Jammer, but when the jam ended, the score was Tucson 3 - Texas 2.

By the third jam, Tucson had scored seven points and the Texecutioners held them, ratcheting up the Texas point tally and the tension. At the start of the eighth jam, the score was Tucson 7 - Texas 18, and the action on the track exploded. With Buckshot Betsy of the Texecutioners in position to take Lead Jammer, she was blocked out of bounds. Texas' Cat Tastrophe body checked Tucson's jammer Fisti Cuffs but found herself bouncing to the acrylic as Fist Cuffs skated away to level a hard hit on Texas' own Belle Starr, sending her to the floor. In response, Liberty Valencezula sent Buckshot Betsy into the audience on Turn-2. With no Lead Jammer declared, the teams skated the full two minutes, and Tucson started their measured, unrelenting climb to try to even the score. The next two jams were more of the same: no Lead Jammer declared and hard hits that sent both Tucson and Texas skaters sailing over the 10-foot buffer zone and into the crowd.

Period 1 | 11 Jams | Score: Texas 22, Tucson 15

To comply with the regulations of the Women's Flat Track Derby Association, the game consisted of three 20-minute periods. In between the game play, Playland was appropriately rocked by The Dead Motley Sex Maidens and Karaoke Apocalypse. For the uninitiated, the Sex Maidens are a badass band that specializes in punk rock and metal hits from the seventies and eighties. They bravely invite even braver wannabe-rockstars from the audience to front the band. Rock'n'roll magic ensues. All the singers on December 2 were family: Texas Rollergirls skaters, support staff, and announcers. You haven't lived until you've seen Belle Starr's rendition of Pat Benetar's "Heartbreaker." The word "possessed" comes to mind.

While the Texas Rollergirls fronted the band, the Saddletramps were getting fired up, and they hit the track with a vengeance. Despite Texas’ slippery-as-mercury jamming -- from Bloody Mary in the second jam, Cat Tastrophe in the third -- and smart defense from the Texecutioners -- a textbook-solid whip for Bloody Mary from Lucille Brawl in the fourth jam - the score was tied at 26 by the end of the fifth jam.

As time ticked by, the number of hits within the pack increased and the familiar squeak of skin against the acrylic echoed around the rink. The Texecutioners took a slight lead in Jam 9, but the Saddletramps kept the pressure on and matched Texas point for point in the last three jams of the period.

Period 2 | 12 Jams | Score: Texas 38, Tucson 38

At the end of the first jam of the final 20 minutes of the game, the score was still tied at 46. Then the Saddletramps, with Fist Cuffs as Lead Jammer in the second jam, took the lead 48-47. The next jam found Buckshot Betsy and Sloppy Flo at the jammer line. Buckshot hit the floor face first and came up with a bloody lip as Muffin Tumble got up-close-and-personal with the track. The refs declared no Lead Jammer. As the clock spun for the full two minutes, Buckshot Betsy was introduced to the audience by a solid hit from Hard Anya. Sloppy Flo snuck past Bloody Mary's defense to put points on the board. As the refs called a timeout, the scoreboard was updated: Tucson 52 - Texas 47.

Down by five points, the Texecutioners executed some beautiful plays: Derringer sent Tombstone Teri into the VIP section with a hard hip block. When Teri returned to the track, Rice Rocket plowed her into the infield. Meanwhile, Lucille Brawl fought her way past Tucson pivot Doe Holliday to win the Lead Jammer position. The defensive team of Electra Blu, Rice Rocket, and Derringer kept the Saddletramps at bay and Lucille Brawl brought the Texecutioners back into the lead, 53-52.

After another timeout called by the refs, the Texecutioners started the fifth jam with their jammer in the penalty box. The Saddletramps, sadly, missed the power play opportunity and put no points on the board. For the next three jams, the Texecutioners held the Saddletramps at 52 while they racked up the points. With just 4 minutes to go in the game, the score stood at Texas 59 - Tucson 52.

In the next jam, Derringer's hard hit on Sloppy Flo in Turn-2 wasn't enough to stop the Saddletramp from becoming Lead Jammer. Although the Texas defense -- Lady Stardust, Derringer, Jen Entonic, and Electra Blu -- worked well together, the Saddletramps again started closing the gap, ending the ninth jam with 56 to Texas' 59.

With just 2 minutes and 34 seconds left in the game, Cat Tastrophe and Fisti Cuffs lined up at the jammer position; Lucille Brawl and Deadlock Doe Holliday patrolled the front of the pack at pivot. The Saddletramps defense went into overdrive and at the end of the jam, the score was tied at 59. The remaining 20 seconds in the game were a formality; the bout was going into overtime.

Period 3 | 11 Jams | Score: Texas 59, Tucson 59

According to the rules of the Women's Flat Track Derby Association, a tie is decided by a full two-minute jam. No Lead Jammer is declared, and the team that scores the most points during that final jam is declared the winner.

Lucille Brawl and Fisti Cuffs took their positions at the jammer line; Bloody Mary and Tombstone Teri were at the pivot position. In between, the Texecutioners put in a money defense: Derringer, Buckshot Betsy, and Belle Starr. When the whistle blew, Lucille Brawl took an early lead, but a crash in Turn-1 seemed like one fall too many. The final whistle blew and all eyes turned to the scoreboard for the final tally.

Overtime | 1 Jam | Score: Texas 60, Tucson 62

Special Thanks to our Musical Guest:
Karaoke Apocalypse with The Dead Motley Sex Maidens
DJ El Jefe spins thoughout the show

-- Melicious is a member of the Hotrod Honeys and is the author of Rollergirl: Totally True Tales from the Track, available from Simon & Schuster in February 2007.