TX-by-TX: Pick Your Sides, it’s Time For a Flat Track Smack Down
by Robert Malina

Austin, TX- With SXSW in full swing, the gals from the Texas Rollergirls played host(ess) to the Dallas Derby Devils and the Assassination City Derby. Both teams were representing Dallas, but other skaters from the Lone Star state, including Houston Roller Derby, East Texas Bombers, and Alamo City Rollergirls were also in attendance. Speaking of the Lone Star state, the Lone Star longnecks were flowing early in this one as the bout started right around 2:00 p.m.

The format was a bit different this time around. The two Dallas teams would play each other in a one-period 15-minute bout, and then the Hustlers would play the Hell Marys in the next bout. The winners of each would square off against each other for the inaugural TX-by-TX trophy. So technically, it was the TX by TX battle royale.

With names like Terror Pussy, Jacknife Ruby, Pummela Slamderson, and Barooski, the gals from D-town were certainly representing. The crowd was pretty pumped up to see some Flat Track action live on a rainy Saturday. After being exposed to the veterans of Flat Track since their inception, one can get a bit spoiled by the high level of play that the Texas Rollergirls always deliver. The two teams from Dallas definitely had their moments, but their level of experience is not quite there yet. Some notable players who could hang with anyone in the Texas Rollergirls were the Wicked Bitch of the West, Strawberry Deathcake, and Goldie Schlager. Assassination City was just a bit too tough for the Dallas Derby Devils and skated to victory by a narrow two-point margin.
FINAL SCORE: DALLAS DERBY DEVILS 23 – ASSASINATION CITY 25

Of course, the Hustlers were reeling from their loss to the Hell Marys in the last bout, so the rematch would likely be juicy. Well, that was the real deal in the season opener, this was more of an exhibition, truth be told. The Hustlers and the Hell Marys both had special guests from the other two teams -- notably the Hustlers had Rice Rocket, Dottie Karate and Melicious from the Hotrod Honeys, and the Hell Marys had Trouble, Sparkle Plenty, Belle Starr, and Loose Tooth Lulu from the Honky Tonk Heartbreakers. Of course, this was kind of an All-Star team to begin with, so you knew whoever advanced to the final game with Assassination City was going to do some assassinating of their own. This was a completely different game, much faster and smoother. Rice Rocket and Dinah Mite had some great jams, as did Sparkle Plenty and Trouble. Sparkle Plenty, by the way, could not hide her true Honkey Tonk colors, sporting denim jeans underneath her plaid skirt. Sweet! Pussy Velour and Dottie Karate made Disharmony feel left out, as they would not allow her to jam through the pack. In the end, the Hustlers got their revenge…temporarily…on the Hell Marys. It was on to Assassination City. FINAL SCORE: HUSTLERS 22 – HELL MARYS 17

When this one started, it looked like it was going to get ugly really quickly. Rice Rocket simply shot right through the pack into the lead jammer position and put the Hustlers on the board. Strawberry Deathcake showed she had the strength to put some points on the board, too, and made it look pretty easy. In fact, Assassination City Derby did get some quick points, but that ended shortly after the beginning of the bout. The Hustlers were able to open up and exploit the Assassination City team, gouging them for chunks of points. Barbarella sent Wendy O’ Wheels flying into the crowd, and Dinah-Mite put Goldie Schlager into the padded concrete column, sandwiching the ref in the process. The strength was just too much for the D-town ladies and in the end it was quite lopsided.
FINAL SCORE: HUSTLERS 32 – ASSASINATION CITY DERBY 9